Highway to Life

Alright so my future plans post.

1. Eat alot more to gain weight and put on size. This is to compensate for the lack of working out that i will be doing due to testosterome build-up which will/may cause further hair-loss.

2. Obtain both the RSA and RCG and go do the bar skills course, with an optional cocktail course. This is to get me ready for finding a job which hopefully will be soon in a place that I will fit well in. I’m not looking for a club or bar which plays excessively loud music as I wish to preserve my hearing. Hotels and restuarants will be my first choices.

3. Get some dance classes happening once I start earning some money. This is to increase fitness, plus finally learn how to dance which has been a life long ambition.

4. Take up Spanish lessons, another ambition. I have a strong talent for languages and knowing more than one is always great. Plus I intend to travel so having another language will help me get around.

What to do when earning money

1. Buy some good clothes, as in collard shirts, dressy pants, suits and shoes.
2. Buy a Nintendo Wii
3. A new phone (iPhone preferably)
4. Save for a car
 5. Save for a place to live

I’m sensing a possible dicking around

Alright so tonight I have an appointment with Advanced Hair Studio to check out the state of my hair. I have been on a six month treatment program with them already, and the results where great. I grew back most of my hair, although a little thin in some areas, the improvements where huge and I was seriously happy to have what I had. Then over the course of roughly three months I have lost hair, in the early stages it wasn’t of any concern as I expected some hairloss which will be regrown with the solution. yet over the course of this lat month my hair has been falling out at an increased rate which I personally believe exceeds the time of regrowth provided by the solution and as a result areas such as my fringe, crown and certain areas of the middle of my scalp are thinning rapidly. My temples made a short regrowth now are thinning again, so there is no doubt in my mind that there is a problem. I’m hoping this review will provide me with some of the answers that I have been looking for and give me a few options which I can use to regrow my hair again. The possible answers that I forsee are; It is natural to lose hair over time as you have stopped the laser treatment, so the solution will keep your hair constantly growing….
Yes your hair has not responded well and it seems you may have to undertake more laser therapy. Yes this is going to cost you another $5,500.
And as a long shot, Strand by Strand in certain areas, yet I do not consider that is an option that they will have in mind as I still have plenty of hair on my head.

Either way I am in a dire situation where I NEED a CONSTANT full head of hair on my head to pursue my life ambitions. I am finding it difficult to look for a job as I am very self concious of my hair and am afraid that continual use of gel will ruin it. I’m afraid to join dance classes and continue working out as my hair will need to regrow and the build up of testosterome may/will affect it. Stopping my working out has effectively limited my chances of joing a Union team as I need the size and strength to do so. I know I should have the confidence to pursue whatever desire I have, but I’m 20 I am not 40, right now I need to be stable and the ground underneath me is quite unstable. I would like to travel also and take up further education and now I cannot do so as I need to find a job and save up money for the body hair laser removal and the hair regrowth, this is not an easy situation to be in. I would really like to write by book/screenplay as I im in the perfect time to do so, I would like hair on my head so i can go out and research my project effectively, not be restricted due to embarassment. Plus I would like the confidence to continue my writing, not be constantly worried about the state of my hair and have my thoughts in numerous places instead where they should be. That goes for laser hair removal, dancing, learning spanish, working out, and going out.

As I have said right now I need safety, security and stability so I can establish a platform to rebuild my life. My goals are to construct the foundations so I can eventually reach my aim of having friends, gaining a higher education, finding a partner and being content/-happy with life.

I have discovered my writing style.

Construct the ending first as then I can effectively portray the characters in a way which led to their final situaion by showing realistic emotions, decisions, events etc. Also it’s good to think about the whole story and jot down ideas when you get them and develop them from there.

Buy it!

I survived laser!

Emla works people, it is a saving grace, use it if you undertake laser hair removal as it allows you to deal with a higher level, effectively destroying the hair faster and with less treatments, effectively saving you money. It is definitely worth the $60.

How do I put this in a way that you’ll understand the seriousness and pain it has caused me

I’m losing hair. Again. This my friends is no easy event/process to handle. I’m 20, I’m at the start of my life and here I am ageing like a 40 year old. The top of my head has been difficult for me. Throughout childhood it wasn’t so bad, although the back was always growing funny and I didn’t realise that till high school. During my younger days the only real problem I had was keeping my hair down and the part going as my hair was super thick and just refused to stay in place. After changing schools in late yr 5 to early yr 6 I developed a horrible bout of dandruff which lasted me right through till year 10. It was horrible, and brought much embarrasment, itchiness and overall sadness. I had worn a hat for many years throughout my youth all the way through to year 7 when I started to do my hair. I still recall Adrian Cricelli’s face when he saw me with my hair for the first time, I believe he mouthed the words “he’s done his hair”. But due to dandruff it was difficult to expose my hair, and a hat only worked until I took it off and all the dandruff fell down to my soulders. I recall one moment when I was sitting in english class in yr 7 with Mr. Finn as teacher and I looked back onto my shoulders and just saw dandruff littered across them. I was shocked and petrified, had others noticed? Surely. I went to see  Doctor Hislop about it and she offered no help as my hair was recently washed and signs of dandruff were limited. It took a second time with my father and she caved to the pressure and gave me a referal to see a dermetologist. That was horrible as right after school I went in only to find that he could see nothing as mum told me to wash my hair the night before, dad was pissed stating “I told her not to wash his hair” in front of the dermitologist. Nevertheless he gave me two bottles of some funny but nice smelling brown shampoo which didn’t end up working. In year 8 there was a misunderstanding at the barber and I had my head shaved to a 1 and boy oh boy was there embarassment. Put aside the fact that I looked like a twig and was laughed at insestantly, but now my head was exposed with no hair to hide the dandruff. The insults ran like a river, in religion class Randle help up a piece of paper saying “It’s snowing” refering to my dandruff, I was pissed off. Two years later my dandruff was pretty much under control and only appeared very randomly, now it is completely gone. I now love Nizoral 1% shampoo.
During the course of yr9-mid yr 10 I avoided going to the barber has I had been made fun of with the cutting of the back of my hairline and the fact that I had dandruff, so naturally I was quite embarrased. This led to me cutting my own hair for a bit as Omar did the same, the hair didn’t come out great but it was alright, kinda had the rough edged look about it. My mum took over hair cutting duties not long afterwads and it has been like that ever since, only three times have I been to a hairdresser between that. I did experiment with hair styles during this time and the one I most remember was the one most popular hairstyle consisting of a shaved head and just a fringe, it was horrific, but I learned then and there for the second time that I look horrible with a shaved head. Mid year 10 I believe that it was the 2002 soccer world cup and many soccer players had long hair, so naturally I decided to grow my hair long. What a huge mistake my friends! My hair is not made to be grown long as it is too thick to even consider staying in place, not to mention that it was cut by my mother. So as time went on I had split ends, my hair had not been cut to fit the middle part and it made my large nose stand out more. That hairstyle lasted 2 years! I suffered so much humiliation, I didn’t go out, and the amount of products I used in my hair had damaged it for many years. At the start of year 11 I came to school with it slightly trimmed and was mocked by Randle stating “you didn’t cut it” and then the same day the Miss Leahy humiliated me in front of class saying that I have to get my hair cut, standing right in front of me. I eventually got it cut later that year and when i walked into admin I recieved a huge round of applause.

gOT UNDERCUT IN YEAR…? AND WAS MOCKED BY PEOPLE SAYING IT LOOKED LIKE A BOWL CUT. dIANA CATCHING ME WITH ELASTICS
kfc GREW HAIR LONG
cORNROWS
EVENTUALL LOSS OF HAIR.

As I sit here this morning completing the aspect of my life I try to stifle tears of anger, frustration, hate, jealousy and downright unfairness. I have woken up dejected, witnessing the amount of hair on my pillow, then brushing out even more strands, eventually seeing the the middle left of my fringe is hopelessly exposed. This time round baldness is attacking hard and mercilessly, he wants revenge and he wants it fast. There is a part of me the just wants to say “fuck it” let it go, as I find the many months it takes to regrow my hair is a difficult, depressing and lonely time. Yet for all I have suffered I still battle on and I believe that to be one of my defining traits, my perserverance. Not to say that I haven’t wallowed in self pity, as I have, for many many years. But I see them as learning experiences, where I have learnt the value of friendship, of relationship of loss, emptiness, depression and lonliness. I know what I need in life to succeed, and I need my hair. So no matter how hard the hairloss process becomes for me, or how much I lose, I will find the strength and courage to pursue life, to pursue my passions and to regrow my hair indefinitely. I’m hoping Advanced Hair Studio has an alternative method to the laser treatment as I feel that is not going to work in the long term, although the short term will work I believe. A long term solution may be continuos use of the laser or the strand by strand procedure, which I hope I may recieve as once it’s done and post 6 months of hairloss and eventual regrowth, well then that’s it, it is done, no more worrying. I would love that, no more worries, justto put this behind me and move forward with life. I don’t see laser treatment allowing me to put this stage of my life behind me permanently, but I still have hope hat it shall work.
Right now my life is about getting through this period of pain that I am to suffer today, tomorrow, and all through till Monday evening, then from there it all matters on what Tim has to say. Good news will lift my spirits to heights I haven’t experienced in many many months, bad news will mean I must continue on with life, my head down and marching forward, with the knowledge that I have toughly 2 months free of any physical pain, but 2 months of emotional and mental suffering.
I will not allow myself to go through my teenage years again, staying at home only venturing to my cousins house to play, never experiencing life, rarely doing anything with friends, staying home of nights especially during year 10 when kids were out having fun. I can feel that pain in me now and it is horrible, I want to use it as a platform to get me going with life. I’ve just begun it and here I am faced with probelems which can effectively limit my chances of succeeding. Although it requires a strong person to overcome it, and believe me it can be overcome, right now I am in no position to do so, I’m weak, depressed and lonely. I am to have laser hair removal on my body tonight and that is going to kill, if I survive that without crying, which although initially my tears will be over the pain, my tears would ultimately originate from all the problems that I have in life, as every cell in my body will recall all those horrible moments in my life and scream out in pain as each laser smashes into my defenceless body. If I had hair on my head, then that would act as a shield to the pain, one less problem to worry about, I could deal with it better. I will make a promise to myself here and now, tonight during laser I will not cry, I will go in there tough it out, complete payments, get into the car with mum and drive off. I will do my hair, and during the coarse of the day I shall do much thinking and preperation. If I decide that I want to go out and walk around for a bit at the Cross, then I shall do so, consider it my reward. But I don’t think I would do that, I’m sure another plan will come to mind, as the rain would ruin my already ruined hair:p
I think that I’ll use that boy for inspiration whom I say at Meadowbank station standing all by himself with a shaved head, which I presume was because of baldness. I sensed a quite confidence about him, yet he was standing in complete anxiety. Was it just me finding confidence that another person could do it, so I can do it too?

It’ been a long time since I have posted, but I’m still here. One more exam left till I complete the HSC and then I’m done with this part of my life. I don’t think I will do well on my final mark as I have completely failed Biology, but I do hope that I achieve a mark which can further my studies at uni. If not then I have plans in place to improve myself over the coming year. They are to enroll in latin/ballroom dance classes and finally learn how to dance, join a rugby union team to build up my size, fitness and strength. Find a job so I can start earning some money and finally not have to rely on my parents again, and think of ideas to earn some money. Right now I’m thinking once I have obtained a job and earning money, I shall get a credit card, put $100 on it and spend it on online poker. This way I can earn enough money on the side to set myself up for the future and indulge in myself a little more. It’s an idea.

I rant here so I don’t let loose in real life. Control is essential.

Just to add, last night Arahia told me to go back in with everyone else after her friend had to stay out to finish off his drink. She did this with a hidden smirk, and a degree of put down as in her mind she feels embarassed to be around me with her friends. The other time was at the Fiddler’s where her and her friend where laughing at me for trying to get adrian to feel the music, whispering about me, avoiding me, by tapping him on his back and running off when I began dancing. How rude. I shall get her back. Hmm when she calls next I believe I shall be completely rude…yes. Let’s make the transition Paul.

I have the answer

Concerning Arahia. After this night I have figured out what we (TAFE people) truly mean to her, the answer? Not much. She has used us as a for the greater goal of meeting and running off with her friends. In terms of manners, that is completely disrespectful and insulting to all involved. Daniel has noticed it and agrees with me too, it really dampens the mood of the night and causes the group to spilt up. Okay fair enough she places a greater emphasis on her real friends as opposed to us, but when invited to come out amongst people outside your group of friends at least have the common courtesy to go out with them specifically, not use them as a thoroughfare for other means. If you can’t offer that don’t come at all, don’t use us as you spoil our night, it’s not fair.
In other news Daniel made a nice comment, that “all her friends are built”, a nice observation, but as I ever so menacingly put it, “it’s just stylish built.” Now this brings an ego, which nearly every guy carries once they reach a certain size, so no put downs there. My gripe? That people, especially females fail to understand that muscle mass does not reflect strength or fighting capabilities whatsoever. At best it gives a vague indicator as what to expect, and in many a sense they lack the neccessary aggression and violence to put down an opponent. I vicious punch to the head is all well and good, it’s intimidating, painfull and provides a moment of fear for the reciever, if you held any doubts prior to the fight, the punch would’ve probably put you off from furthering the fight. So in a strictly physical sense these muscles serve the carrier well. But a punch to the throat, a kick to the knees with the intention of breaking them, or a knife anywhere to the body is even better. This is what I believe seperates a real “street fighter” from a stylishly built, egotistic person who likes to show off and self indulge. There’s a point I wish to make in here but I’ll save it for later, essentially what I wanted to say. Arahia is selfish and disrespectful. She does not know it and that offends me, hurts me and angers me. Considering where we were going in terms of a relationship, she has displayed none of that maturity which she thinks she has. I shouldn’t care, but because she is the closest thing I have to anything, I do care, and that’s what really hurts. That although a significant improvement from my previous days of sheer and utter loneliness, I still essentially, have nothing.

Man, I hate critics who analyse something on the basis of structure, whilst ignoring creativity and originality.

It is a matter of taste, yes, but also a matter of one who is unable to break free from the norm and experiment with new styles and develop a greater sense of understanding, thus  greater deal of appreciation for others works. There’s only so much you can learn out of a book.

Fuck I’m too cliche.

I want more

I feel obligated to comment on all of Australia’ matches now, why I don’t know. I didn’t meet up with my friend to watch the game, if I can still call her that, but I don’t care. As expected Australia won with a somewhat scrappy performance. Fiji played well, but not on our level. I feel that Fiji and Argentina are the two teams with the most potential to become major teams if they had the opportunity to play constant high class opponents and have quality training staff and facilities. They have what it takes, but seem to lack the support. Rugby should open its doors to competition and allow these teams to prospore, because quite franly I’m getting bored seeing the same old teams make it to the finals. It’s not a world cup, it’s just the tri-nations again, but with some minor distractions.